What the True Gentleman Means to an SAE
The True Gentleman is the man...
When you say the word "gentleman" it is important to put the accent on "man." One's idea of just what a man is may be crucial to an understanding of the "True Gentleman." Of course, opinion as to the nature of man is by no means unanimous and never has been. Some see man as a human animal, little above the beasts in the field. Others picture man as standing just a little below the angels. No matter how they look at man, all must agree that all history is the history of man, and every civilization has been a civilization of man in his relations with other men, be they animal-like or angelic.
Remember that great tragedy of Shakespeare, in which Hamlet says, "Sir, there is in my breast a kind of fighting that will not let me sleep," which goes to show that there is a divinity in us that shapes our ends, rough hew them how we may. The accent in Hamlet's words is not on the "beast" in man, but on the divinity in man.
Some see man as merely a pawn on the chessboard of life; others see man as a sort of self-propelled unguided missile hurtling through time and space. So the clash of opinions continues.
As a human being man possesses virtue, even nobility; he also possesses human limitations and imperfections. We honor the man who exploits his strengths and controls his weaknesses.
The accent on "man" signifies some thing more. It implies the mature man, not the child. Look at a child. Not yet having discovered a concern for those about him, the child is fundamentally egocentric. Egocentricity has been defined, perhaps not inaccurately, as the belief that one's own navel is the center of the universe. The gentleman is neither egocentric nor eccentric, but is a mature social being who knows he is a member of society and acts as though he knows it.
If you think that in talking about our concept of man we are wasting our time, you might remember that it is the pro found difference of opinion about the nature of man that lies at the root of the clash between the free and the unfree world today. In contrast with some other societies today, our democracy exalts man as a precious and irreplaceable object, endowed with inalienable rights and responsibilities.
The gentleman is, then, a man in the best and fullest sense of the word.
...whose conduct proceeds from good will...
The man of good will has a genuine interest in other people. He likes his fellow men because of their virtues and in spite of their faults. Possession of good will produces a positive, warm, and out going attitude in making friends. The interest in others is usually reflected and thus helps friendships grow. If you like a man, you can cultivate his good will. This doesn't mean you have to like everything he does or even everything he stands for, but you can seek in his personality his good qualities.
A man of good will is willing to co operate with others. He doesn't wait to be asked to help when he knows his help is needed. He responds voluntarily and warmly and will almost certainly like those with whom he cooperates.
Conduct which proceeds from good will exhibits another important trait: enthusiasm. Few things are more distressing than the apathetic attitude of one who just doesn't care about much of anything. He acts as if every nerve in his body were cauterized. He may not react negatively to his environment; he just doesn't react at all. Such a man inspires nothing in others and in turn is incapable of being inspired by anything or anyone. But the man who boils over with enthusiasm when he is with others inspires good will and warmth as no other can. He has an interest in others and likes them, and his enthusiasm, growing out of a positive attitude toward everything around him, is contagious.
...and an acute sense of propriety...
The dictionary defines "propriety" as "the character or quality of being proper; especially, accordance with recognized usage, custom, or principles; fitness; correctness." Propriety is, in short, the almost automatic sense of doing the right thing at the right time. Let's make one thing clear however. Propriety is not simply etiquette, even though a certain amount of etiquette is an important possession of the true gentleman. Propriety is more than managing to keep from talking with your mouth full or smoking more than one cigarette at a time. It is the keen awareness of the fit and proper thing to do at any given time. To have an "acute sense" of propriety is to be alert, or as a lot of people say today, to be "cool," or "on the ball." No definition of "cool" would satisfy everyone, but chances are that the college men you would call "cool" are those who are basically alert and observing. They watch what is going on around them. They listen more than they speak. They are interested enough in other people to be able to put themselves in the other fellow's shoes long enough to figure out what creates a good impression and what creates a bad one. This doesn't mean being a sort of human chameleon, changing the color of one's personality for every occasion. In fact, many people will tell you not to worry about this matter of propriety. Just "be yourself," they say. The advice to "be yourself" is fine, but it has its limitations. It depends pretty much on what "yourself" is like, how alert, how observing you are. Maybe it would be better to advise one to be "your best self."
The easiest rule to follow in acquiring "an acute sense of propriety" is stated simply: "If in doubt, watch the other fellow." If the other fellow is a gentle man, his actions will tip you off as to the right things to do and the things not to do. Don't be afraid to imitate another gentleman. Remember that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
... and whose self-control is equal to all emergencies...
We admire the man who seems to be able to handle himself well in any situation. This is mostly a matter of self control which makes the gentleman equal to any situation, whether it is an emergency or not. Now-, admittedly, there are many situations that are hard to meet. But any man can greatly improve his chances of coping with any situation if he will remember and put into practice a few simple rules, which, taken together, go a long way to assure self-control.
1. Develop a good sense of humor. The man who has a sense of humor knows that life can be a wonderful experience. The man who has forgotten or never learned how to laugh is a sad case. He lives out his life as if it were the last act of a Wagnerian tragedy and makes everyone around him as miserable as he is himself. But the man who has learned to laugh-especially at himself-has gone far in developing the attractive personality of a gentleman.
Can you laugh with others, even though they may be laughing at you? Try it sometime. You'll find that a lot of your worries and problems dissolve best in laughter, and enable you to exercise much better the kind of self control that is equal to all emergencies. And it goes without saying that if you can tell a joke, play an occasional joke on friends, and take a joke when one is played on you, you'll have a lot more enjoyment out of life. But this doesn't mean becoming the court jester. There are, of course, times when humor is out of place, and only the jokester tries to make something funny out of every situation. The incurable practical joker has a badly distorted sense of humor. A healthy smile, a hearty laugh, the happy expression of humor at the right time and in the right place never shamed anyone but the Devil.
2. Be flexible. A good fighter rolls with the punches. If you can develop the fighter's flexibility in your personality, you will be able to adapt yourself readily to changing circumstances. The man who is brittle and inflexible will surely lose his balance-his self-control-when suddenly faced with a difficult situation. To be flexible means to be able to give a little here and there, to admit readily that you're wrong when you're wrong-and do it gracefully. It means keeping an open mind, being willing to accept new ideas, a different outlook, or being pre pared to change your opinion. It is futile to try to cover up inflexibility by retreating, as some do, to the "courage of their convictions." Remember that, while we rightly honor many who have stood up for their ideals, every fanatic, every crank, every Herod and every Hitler also had the courage of his convictions.
Self-control dictates that if you don't want to break, you'd better be able to bend a little.
3. Develop a wholesome attitude toward work. An important part of the personality of a gentleman is a healthy attitude toward work. Sooner or later the successful young man realizes that life is a competitive experience, and that the best way to compete is to work intelligently and persistently. The man who has a wholesome attitude toward work likes to work for the satisfaction of accomplishment. He works hard when he works. He plays and enjoys recreation at the proper time, and achieves a happy balance between work and play. A desire to work and the enjoyment of work take most of the drudgery out of any kind of labor. All this is just as true for the college student as for any man. At this time your job is obtaining an education. Hard and persistent study will go a long way toward insuring success. Work at your studies and give them always first preference of claim on your time. Learn to like what you do. You might as well; and it makes life much more pleasant if you do. You have plenty of time for your academic work and for fraternity and extra-curricular activities. If you don't have time for both, then you are wasting your time. And the only proper way to kill time is to work it to death. It requires self-control to work enough and to work effectively.
4. Watch your temper. Nobody likes a man with a bad temper. He is unpredictable and over-sensitive. People have to be on their guard around him. And bad temper is not a thing to write off as impossible of change. If you want to get along with others, you must control your temper. Do little things annoy you? Do you flare up when others make chance remarks that you think are directed at you? Analyze the reasons for your annoyance and your outbursts of temper. Socrates said, " Know thyself." Self examination is good for a number of reasons, but it will help you especially to overcome unnecessary sensitiveness. Control of one's temper is one of those things any gentleman must learn if he is to get along well with others.
5. Be temperate. Moderation is the mark of a gentleman. It is more than that; it is the mark of any intelligent human being. Moderation is the avoidance of extremes in thinking and behavior, or as the Greeks called it, the "Golden Mean." The ideal of moderation is the direct antithesis of the modern "let yourself go" philosophy of expressionism. Temperance means neither denial nor excess. It means simply that a man should be moderate in his habits.
Just a few words about drinking. The problem of alcohol, as few other problems, involves taboos and emotions. Hence the problem of drinking must be approached with moderation and understanding.
Some feel that the answer to the problem of alcohol in moderate social drinking. The admonition to "drink like a gentleman" has been repeated so often that it is trite. Is moderate drinking the answer?
Of course there are people who can drink moderately all their lives. Our difficulty is in not knowing who can drink moderately and who cannot. There is no neat pat answer to this whole matter of drinking, but there are several things a gentleman will want to keep in mind as he approaches the problem.
For one thing, we must constantly face drinking as a serious matter. Whether we want to or not, we cannot pass it off in a light-hearted manner as if there were no problem at all.
Secondly, the gentleman will give his support to the freedom not to drink. The freedom to drink has been established. Those who are of age are free to drink nearly everywhere and at nearly any time. The freedom not to drink is not so clearly established. Many look upon the teetotaler as a killjoy who is socially unacceptable. He is left out of some social gatherings as if he had the plague. The idea that the abstained is socially uneducated or inept, or that he is dull or lacking daring, is as widespread as it is false. The abstained merely asks the freedom not to drink and the right to be accepted as a normal person. That's what he is-a normal person who doesn't want to drink.
An explosive issue on our campuses today is the problem of drug use. What ever one's views toward "soft" or "hard" drugs, there are realities one must face. Drugs-all of them from marijuana to heroin-are illegal. One may disagree with the appropriateness of the law with respect to the "soft" drugs, but at this time the use of drugs can subject the user to legal penalties. Secondly, it should be clear to anyone that drug abuse can cause serious physical and mental dam age. Finally-and this is crucial to our theme-one can hardly be self-controlled or "equal to all emergencies" when involved in drug use. At the same time, this writer is aware that young people today are inclined to reject ad vice, however well-intended, from their elders. One is therefore tempted to suggest that before even experimenting with drugs, the student should listen to his own peers who have "gone the whole route" with drugs and have decided to live without them.
It is good sense to maintain temperance in your habits of play, exercise, and social life. You can play around the house without making it the local jungle gym. And it goes without saying that being known as the campus Casanova or DonJuan is not consistent with the reputation of a gentleman. Here again you can watch those around you whom you consider real gentlemen. You will nearly always find that moderation is a guide in their habits.
...who does not make the poor man conscious of his poverty, the obscure man of his obscurity, or any man of his inferiority or deformity...
The democratic ideal holds that all men are recognized as equal before the law, that all are "endowed with certain inalienable rights." It does not follow, however, that all men are equal in intelligence, talents, abilities, or in social and economic position. It is patent that men are indeed not equal, whether by accident of birth, variants of environment, or exercise of individual will. Many men are unfortunately afflicted with "poverty ... obscurity ... inferiority or deformity." While we may deplore the misfortunes of others and try to do whatever we can to help them cope with or overcome their difficulties, the true gentleman will never knowingly make any man conscious of those deficiencies over which he has no control, whatever they may be. To do so would be cruel, unkind, and most certainly ungentlemanly.
The gentleman's attitude toward those less fortunate than himself grows out of the good will from which his conduct proceeds. He is able to emphasize the good in others and minimize the bad. His love of humanity is deep and warm. He is mature and unselfish enough to find it unnecessary to boost his own ego at the expense of others.
It is easy to be critical of others in the wrong way. A man can become notorious for his devastating wit, his biting sarcasm, or his apparent delight in "putting the other fellow down." Even worse is the man who takes upon himself all the credit for his own good fortune. He is too often pompous and arrogant, or worst of all, self-righteous. He is quite prepared to judge, to condemn, and to make the other fellow as keenly conscious as possible of his shortcomings and failures.
If you are a gentleman, you will make an honest attempt to see the best qualities in others. You want to emphasize the strengths to others, not their weaknesses. Even when you are keenly aware of the shortcomings of those with whom you work and live, you are obliged, as a gentleman, to act toward them with patience and understanding. To do so can never diminish your own strength, but it can help greatly to strengthen others.
...who is himself humbled if necessity compels him to humble another...
We accept criticism best from those who can take criticism as well as they can hand it out. It probably doesn't need saying that no man is perfect. We all make mistakes, and there are times when we need to be advised of our error or failure. Sometimes we are compelled to advise others of their shortcomings, if by doing so we can help them, and if we honestly feel that those we criticize are able to do something about it. We want to be sure, however, that our motive is honest and that our desire is to help. And let us remember that should necessity compel us to humble another, we can never find any justification for humiliating another. Thoughtfulness, sincerity, and a fine sense of proportion-in short, tact-can help us to handle such situations without embarrassment to our selves or hurt to others. It is a real test of the gentleman when he finds it necessary to help and give constructive guidance to another without giving offense. But if his own attitude grows out of humility, he will very likely carry off such delicate situations with sensitive diplomacy and fair play.
. . . Who does not flatter wealth, cringe before power. . .
Nobody likes a coward. A fawning attitude toward wealth is as bad as cowardice in the face of power. The man who feels compelled to humiliate himself before wealth and power is a man to be pitied. Where is his pride. Where is his self-assurance? His self-esteem? Humility is a virtue, but cowardly humiliation is destructive of human personality. A man may rightly respect power and wealth, but never for one instant should he allow himself to be degraded by them. The gentleman always has a proper respect for authority out of a sense of order and fairness. But he knows that as an individual he is as important as another. As a mall he can stand straight with pride born of self-assurance and know that he need not count himself inferior to any other man.
With this knowledge of his own dignity, the gentleman can move out in life with hope and ambition, two important ingredients in good personality. How about you? Have you given direction to your ambition by determining what your major purpose in life should be? You may want to change the direction of your ambition as your thinking becomes more definite, but you will always maintain your hope for success and the ambition to accomplish your goal. Your own proper self-esteem will make you know that your reasonable goal is attainable.
...or boast of his own possessions or achievements ...
While the true gentleman has self assurance and personal pride, he is never a boaster. He consciously avoids the overuse of the personal pronoun "1." Without humility he cannot be sincere or courteous. He avoids making Olympian pronouncements of his opinions and seeks not to contradict others, but to draw them out. He likes to hear others express their views. He refrains as much as possible from talking about himself, and "his own possessions or achievements." He knows that others will discover his merits and successes soon enough, and will be more appreciative of them if they hear them from others. And he recognizes his own limitations.
When he wins, he isn't cocky and he never boasts. If he loses, he accepts de feat graciously, for good sportsmanship is one of the first marks of the gentle man. He plays hard, never wants to win at any price, and never cheats-even in little things. He knows that a good loser commands respect, so he never cries or argues about a loss. He remembers that the game is more important than the victory .
...who speaks with frankness...
We like to deal with people who are frank and honest. We shun deception and despise hypocrisy. The gentleman who recognizes this never disguises his real motives when he deals with people, but speaks directly and honestly. He is cautious enough, however, to know that in speaking frankly he is not required to be blunt. He is careful that his honesty and frankness do not injure the feelings of others. He follows the rule: be frank, but be tactful.
The gentleman not only speaks directly, but he speaks effectively. He tries to develop a pleasant quality of voice. He avoids profanity and obscurity, if only because among cultured people such gross misuse of language is inexcusable. Even though he hears plenty of such language, he knows that those whose speech is a constant stream of profanity are actually disadvantaged since their vocabulary is so limited they have no other means of expressing themselves. The gentleman is constantly at work to build his vocabulary so that he can express himself clearly, accurately and effectively. He knows that effective speech is probably more important than effective writing. He learns to dramatize words, to hold the attention of others by putting feeling into his speaking. He speaks forcefully and he speaks well.
...but always with sincerity and sympathy...
One who speaks forcefully and effectively must also speak sincerely. There is no substitute for sincerity in speech and action. You have met people who make a wonderful first impression, who have the surface quality of politeness, but who are in reality insincere and phony. They are good actors but they don't wear well. Thus the proof of sincerity lies in one's constant behavior. If you say that you mean, and mean what you say, you will be accounted by others as being sincere.
Remember the last time you reached for a hand and grabbed a dead fish instead? Everyone appreciates a sincere handshake-one that imparts some friendliness with the handclasp. Look a new acquaintance in the eye. repeat his name aloud. make him feel you are sincerely glad to meet him. You won't forget him, and he will surely remember you .
...whose deed follows his word...
It is said of a gentleman that his word is his bond. He is totally dependable. You can be certain that he will do what he promises. He is the kind of man who makes decisions promptly. He doesn't beat around the bush. He knows he must be decisive to be successful. A man can be very trying to others when he cannot make up his mind. He needs to make decisions promptly once he knows all the significant facts. He is prepared, of course, to reverse his decisions if later experience or information warrants it. But when he has made a decision, he follows through in action. He is a gentleman who is known to others for his reliability and loyalty.
...who thinks of the rights and feelings of others rather than his own...
Consideration for the feelings of others is a prime quality of the true gentleman. No one has a right to consider his personal feelings superior to those of others. The gentleman will take into consideration what the other fellow would like, how the other fellow feels, or what the other fellow might do. He is constantly thoughtful of others, and is courteous. He knows that courtesy is simply the habit of respecting the feelings of others. Courteous people aren't selfish. they go out of their way to help others. Nor is courtesy restricted to certain people. It is not courtesy when you are nice only to those people from whom you expect to derive some benefit. Remember to be courteous to everyone, but not excessively and profusely courteous. Too much courtesy smacks of obsequiousness and is unnatural and insincere, and often gives the appearance of patronage.
The man who thinks of the rights and feelings of others is also tolerant of their views. He keeps a place in his mind for their opinions and enjoys learning their viewpoints. He learns that he can disagree in a wholesome manner without being resentful or losing his good disposition. He develops that insight which allows him to disagree with another per son on an issue without disliking the person for his differing attitude. Before he criticizes people for their religious beliefs, political ideas, or interests different from his own, he learns more about what they believe and why they believe it. He is broadminded, ready to forgive and forget his differences with others, and tolerant of their differences with him. He knows this is one sure way toward making and keeping friends.
...and who appears well in any company...
You can usually spot a gentleman be cause he looks like one. We don't mean here to overemphasize outward appearance, but usually you can tell by looking at a man what he is inside.
The gentleman is conscious of his appearance. Since people look at his face most of the time, he learns to have a pleasant facial expression. One can go far to improve his appearance by looking agreeable, alert, and self-confident. A cheerful smile improves anyone's appearance infinitely. A natural and sincere smile is contagious, and can help anyone, even if he's not the most handsome Adonis, to appear well in any company.
Clothing isn't everything, but it helps. Perhaps the saying that "clothes make the man" is overdrawn, but quite often the way one dresses is important. Proper dress certainly need not be expensive or even new. It should, however, be neat and clean. Appearing well in any company includes wearing the right thing at the right time. To be sure, on campus one can permit campus custom to be his guide.
...a man with whom honor is sacred and virtue safe.
Our code of gentlemanliness has its roots in the chivalry of by-gone days. When medieval knighthood was in flower the traits we esteem in a gentle man were developed. But whatever else he may have been, the gentleman was a man of honor. He still must be, or he is no gentleman. In his dealings with other people he is possessed of a sense of honor that will never permit him to act unfairly with another. While the principle of the Golden Rule has been repeated for two thousand years, it is as valid today as it ever was.
It has been often said that honesty is the best policy. For the true gentleman honesty is the only policy. Honesty under all circumstances and with all people, dealing justly and fairly with others, is rewarded with friendship and respect. The gentleman does not look for and
suspect in others ulterior motives in their actions, for he has none himself. A man of honor is one with whom virtue is safe. And by "virtue" we under stand the word in more than its narrowest specific meaning of moral chastity. Virtue means strength and courage, excellence and merit and worth. Virtue connotes integrity of character and up rightness of conduct. Actually this one word "virtue" describes the ideal man. It comes from the Latin word vir, meaning "man." It is, then, fitting that our definition of the True Gentleman should end with the idea of virtue. For the True Gentleman is a man-a man of virtue in its fullest sense-a man with whom virtue is safe. May you always, and under all circumstances, be a man of virtue. May we all be men of virtue.